Baltimore Has Reached Peak T-Shirt

We noted a few years ago that Baltimore has somehow become Festival City, USA. As Summer is winding down here in the Land of Pleasant Living, we find ourselves in the week between Hampdenfest and the Book Festival, which traditionally marks the end of the Summer Festival Season. But we wonder, Baltimore, if you’ve noticed what we’ve noticed over the last several Summers?

As we move from street fair to street fair, from SoWeBo to Charles Village and from the Greek Festival to umm, the other Greek Festival we’ve been noticing that each festival contains so many of the very same vendors time and again, and so, so many of them are hawking various Baltimoreana. We know you’ve seen it: the austere portraits of abandoned houses, the various takes on the marble stoop/painted screen motif, the romantic images of a skipjack or a tugboat gliding easily through the harbor past the Domino sign… not to mention the assorted handicrafts and folk art like rowhouse fronts on bricks for door stoppers or painted crab shell Christmas tree ornaments. None of it is particularly original or inspiring.

But that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Once you introduce sports into the equation the clichés and tackiness go through the roof. And if there’s one thing Joe Sixpack can be counted on for it’s to tell you exactly what he thinks or likes or hates by wearing it on a T shirt.

With the ubiquity of the Internet, a huge influx of transplants looking to boost their Baltimore cred/adopted hometown pride, the Orioles winning the AL East for the first time in a generation and fans being justifiably pissed off at the Ravens’ front office and ownership we’ve arrived at the conditions for a perfect storm of crappy T shirts flooding the downtown streets.

As the Orioles proved at the season’s end last year with their fan-designed shirt contest any jerk with a laptop can design a T shirt. (Yes, even the Chop who has no design experience whatsoever!) And since 2012 when both our major teams showed marked improvement the number of jerks with laptops who want to get into the T shirt business has gone through the roof. It’s only natural, we suppose. Who wouldn’t want to start their own clothing line when you realize that you need no experience and little to no capital to do it? You can have your own line delivered and ready to sell in under two weeks with $100 or less in capital. Here’s how:

Step one- Steal an idea. You don’t need a ton of design know how or a fancy graphics program. Just jump on the bandwagon of one of the more common motifs out there already. (More on this later.)

Step two: Visit one of the dozens and dozens of online shirt wholesalers out there. Their sites allow you to specify exact shirt types, sizes and colors and they’ll do the printing as well. Allied Shirts is a great example. Play around with this tool on their site to see what shirts cost wholesale. (They are usually less than $5 per unit.)

Step three- Decide on pricing. Most bootleg sports shirts go for around $20. If you did a run of 100 at $5 a shirt you need to sell 26 to break even. If you did a run of 10 at $10 per you need to sell six. The delivery is the post office and the warehousing is your basement so the rest is pure profit.

Step four- Get to shilling product. Set up a basic eCommerce site (also free), list on eBay, Amazon, Craigslist, sports blogs and forums, get on Twitter, FB, Pinterest, Instagram, etc. and make the rounds of local shops, tailgates, Camden Street, etc. Alternatively use a service like Spreadshirt which will do the manufacturing and delivery for you AND set you up with your own eCommerce site.

Step five- pat yourself on the back and count your filthy lucre. That’s all there is to it.

Now, a little more about those designs. Every professional sports team has its name and logos copyrighted. There is a very long list of what you can’t legally use when designing an ‘homage’ to a particular team or player or what have you. The list of things you can use is very short, and is mostly full of clip art garbage that no one would wear if you paid them. Therefore most bootleg hometown pride shirts fall into some very narrow classifications like things squarely in the public domain (place names, civic logos) or trendy grassroots designs (memes).

We don’t want to call out any specific designers or apparel shops in this post. That is not our intention. If you want an idea of the kind of crap we’re talking about have a look at a site like Cafepress. We admit that our stance here may be a bit snobbish, but so what? There are even a few bootleg designs out there we really like to be honest. But every designer has more misses than hits, and the following is a list of design tropes that are, in our opinion, completely played out, clichéd and hokey and which should be done away with faster than your Ray Rice jersey:


Crabs
The Old Bay can
Mr. Boh
Sally Utz
The MD flag
The city flag
Battle Monument
The Washington Monument
Orange and purple birds commingling
Bmore as ‘be more___________’
Hon
Puns on player names/nicknames
Purple rain
Purple reign
Purple Haze
Edgar Allan Poe
Helvetica type with ampersands
_______ and _______ that’s what Maryland does!
The geographic outline of the state/city
Pink/Purple flamingos
410
Keep calm and…
‘How bout dem…’

And there’s probably several more which escape us at the moment. But that’s just what won’t get you sued. As Welcome to Baltimore Hon pointed out earlier this week, some of these design hacks have no qualms about blatantly stealing trademarks and then trying to copyright them as their own.

So as we get into October and the playoffs and you become tempted to throw down $25 of your hard earned cash on some piece of junk T shirt that will end up as gym wear (at best) or buried in the bottom of your closet (most likely) just don’t. Instead take this opportunity to re-read our guide to Ballpark Fashion, Baltimore Style and then take that $25 and buy this Carhartt orange flannel shirt or this slim cut cardigan or even this Banana Republic orange striped polo shirt. In the end you’ll feel better about your purchase, and more importantly you’ll look better too.

It’s Been a Quiet Week in Lake Wobegone…

The Chop is not one of those bloggers that likes to begin posts with some variation of the line “Sorry for the lack of posts recently.” So we’re not going to do that. Mostly because we’re actually not all that sorry about it. But it does seem fair to acknowledge that we haven’t posted anything in the last two weeks and we won’t for about another week and a half. It’s because we’re out of town.

Usually when we’re out of town we’re in the middle of the ocean and far, far away from a wifi signal. This time though, we’re at the Paul Hall Center for Maritime Training and Education in beautiful downtown Piney Point, MD. We’re here to study radar and automatic radar plotting aids.

If you’re thinking “Hey Chop, reading radar sounds pretty sexy. Why don’t you write about it?” We would encourage you to have a look at chapter one of the US Government’s Radar Navigation and Maneuvering Board Manual and you’ll see quickly why we’re not eager to bring the finer points of radar to the blog, and why we’ve been too busy studying and watching the Orioles to worry about blog posts.

Instead have a look at some Instagram pictures we’ve taken since we arrived in Saint Mary’s County.

Just before the SIU monthly membership meeting.

Just before the SIU monthly membership meeting.

Boating on the Patuxent River.

Boating on the Patuxent River.

A view of some of the eponymous tall pines.

A view of some of the eponymous tall pines.

The Simple Life.

The Simple Life.

The Training Vessel John Fay.

The Training Vessel John Fay.

Crab Pots.

Crab Pots.

Denim Review: The Mosco by Mott & Bow

Recently we told you that NYC’s Mott & Bow was one of the Best New Things in The World Right Now. But we’re going to let you in on a little secret: sometimes people on the Internet have no idea what they’re talking about. Yes, even the Chop is merely hypothesizing from time to time. We thought Mott & Bow was a neat idea, but truth be told we hadn’t actually seen a pair of their jeans in real life when we said that.

It’s a pretty compelling story, after all. Alejandro Chahin, the brand’s founder, grew up in a denim factory in Honduras, and rather than being content with filling production orders for various brands he decided to move to NYC, graduate from business school, and create his own brand- which sells exclusively online and comes in at $96 retail, or about half of what comparable jeans cost from brands like Seven or AG.

But after reading up on the company and their current offerings curiosity got the better of us and we knew we were going to have to try out a pair and see for ourselves.

There’s something refreshingly simple about buying something from a company that sells just one product. You’re spared the trouble of moving from store to store (or site to site) trying to compare prices and styles and wondering whether you’re just about to miss a sale. Once you know you’re buying a good product at a fair price, decision making is pretty simple and it took us all of about three minutes to get from homepage to checkout on the Mott & Bow site. Three days later there was a box of jeans on our doorstep.

Not only was buying denim easier this time around, but trying it on was actually a relaxing and pleasant experience for once. A feature unique to Mott & Bow is their at-home try on program, which allows you to order both your own size and a second pair either a size above or a size below to make sure the fit is right. Trying on jeans in your own bedroom, with your own mirrors and the rest of your own wardrobe close at hand is a world apart from cramming yourself into a dressing room in some department store. If we’ve never got to do that again we’ll be perfectly content.

In our case we were a little nervous because Mott & Bow sizes only go up to 34 at present, so pulling them on was a moment of truth of sorts, but they fit. For the Chop they actually fit perfectly around the waist. Even in the back, this is a mid-rise jean that rides right where mid-rise should. They were pretty tight through the legs, even for skinny jeans, but not so tight that we wanted to take them off.

After the first five to ten minutes we began to notice something; these jeans are more comfortable than jeans this tight ought to be. Yes, we had read all about the denim science on the website, and we knew that the Mosco’s resin rinse was meant to replicate four months’ worth of wear. But we didn’t expect that there’d be no break-in period at all. After the first day they didn’t feel so tight any more, and felt like we’d been wearing them forever. They’re even comfortable enough for bicycling right out of the box. When you find a pair of jeans that can take you from a bike to a blazer, you need look no further.

Would we buy them again? Of course we would. Should you buy them? Absolutely! And since we’re both going to go back to the website and buy some more jeans you should do it by clicking this link which will save us both $15 at checkout. That brings your final price to $81, which is such a good deal you might want to go ahead and buy two.

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Feature Image courtesy of Mott & Bow’s Instagram. We’d like to thank them for providing product for review consideration.

The Manly Deeds Record Release @ Windup Space Tonight

Baltimore used to be a Rock and Roll town. A generation ago when steel was King and there was still hard and dirty work to be done around the waterfront bands like Easy Action, Ironboss, Liquor Bike, and Zeke were the genuine sound of the streets and those bands were coming through town in clubs like Hammerjacks and The 8×10 (Yes, that 8×10). On the same blocks where there used to be denim and leather now there’s yoga pants and LAX pinnies. Some of our own earliest exposure to music involved riding up and down Eastern Ave in a beat up all-steel Chevy Malibu at 14, smoking weed and listening to Social Distortion- trying to come up with a halfway believable alibi to stay out late enough to see a show at Memory Lane (we never did).

But that Baltimore is a thing of the distant past, and it’s never coming back. A quick look around the local music scene reveals just how far away we’ve moved from Rock and Roll: Dan Deacon, Wye Oak, Future Islands, Peals, Beach House, Celebration… all good bands in their own right but Jesus. Where’s the edge? Where’s the excitement? There’s nothing dirty or dangerous about Baltimore music in 2014. Most of it is shit you can listen to on a long car ride with your mom. We may still have a few bands like Hard Dads and Multicult here but by and large Rock and Roll has sunk to the bottom of the Inner Harbor muck and won’t be dredged up until the last gleaming luxury condo has turned to dust and rubble.

So where does that leave the rest of us? What about those Baltimoreans who use our hands for more at work than answering emails? Who went to trade school instead of art school? Who wear boots instead of dancing shoes? When the murky muck of an Indian Summer sets in along our stoops and porches, when Ailanthus and mosquitoes are taking over and the money and the whiskey won’t hold out long enough; when we’ve finally spun our last Nashville Pussy record into the ground what sounds now are coming out of our speakers?

For us it’s Baltimore’s own Manly Deeds. Their new self-titled record was released in July after a successful Indiegogo campaign, with a release show to be held tonight at the Windup Space in Station North. The album represents a significant step forward for the band, and does a fine job of melding the sensibilities of true bluegrass and folk with the experience of living in present day Baltimore. Which is to say, it sounds like organic, authentic working class music without slipping into the campy theatrics that plague some similar acts. These guys have the talent to play a Prairie Home Companion and the credibility to play behind chicken wire.

The Deeds are a band that keeps a relatively low profile, spending more time in disused churches and barns than in hipster enclaves like North Avenue, so the chance to see them tonight right in town without trekking out to Delfest or something equally inconvenient is not to be passed on lightly. The Green Boys and the Highland Hill Boys also play- 9 pm doors.

How to Eat Like a Local at Camden Yards

Late Summer is the worst of the worst times of year for home cooked meals. When it’s hot and humid out even the most fearless foodie would be crazy to spend hours in the kitchen producing additional heat from a stove and steam from a dishwasher. The only good options this time of year are to throw something on the grill or just have someone else make all your food.

Late Summer is also one of the best times of year for baseball, particularly when your team is more than twenty games over .500 and heading for the playoffs. The Orioles are in the midst of a long homestand right now, which means all the stars are aligned for a picnic at the park. Camden Yards features several outstanding picnic locations throughout the stadium, including the original dedicated picnic space behind the bullpens which seats several hundred at a time. The Chop has been taking a lot of meals at the ballpark lately, and since we can’t be bothered to make food at home and don’t like ballpark food very much, we’ve searched the city high and low to bring you some of the best options for picking up a pre-game dinner to take to the ball game.

A word about this list: There are a ton of places to get fast food near the stadium. The Inner Harbor is just down the street, after all. Additionally, there are scores of restaurants within a few miles of the stadium that offer carry out. What we present here is some of the best grab-and-go options from places not-too-far from Camden Yards for those who want to eat like a local.

Trinacria
111 W. Centre St.
It’s long been a cruel irony that the very best food near the stadium, Trinacria on Paca St, closes too long before game time (4:30) to make it a viable option. It’s only during the rare weekday-day-game that fans can pop in for a sandwich before walking down to the park. But Trinacria’s new location in Mount Vernon is open until 8:00, and is very near the light rail for easy access to the ballpark. Walk onto Eutaw St. with a roasted turkey tapenade sandwich or a porchetta panini and you’ll be turning heads in the line for Boog’s.

Milk and Honey
816 Cathedral St.
Milk and Honey is a great choice for lighter/more health conscious fare. Open 7 days a week their offerings include items like baked tofu, black bean hummus and the apple-manchego panini, as well as some more traditional offerings like roast beef sandwiches and Italian cold cuts. As a bonus it’s also a one-stop shop for gourmet late-inning snacks like handmade beef jerky, flavored nuts, popcorn, etc. They can even set up your group outing with brown bag lunches to go!

Italian Graffiti
1635 Fleet St.
Italian Graffiti made the top ten in the Chop’s Baltimore Pizza Power Rankings last year, but for purposes of quick lunch/carry out it’s got no rival. Carrying a whole pie into the park is definitely a power move that will make even pizza-snob Yankee fans jealous, especially if it’s one of IG’s originals like a Sfizio or Della Notte. For the less adventurous one of their calzones or wraps will have just as much flavor and be big enough to fill you up for days, but ought to be a little easier to get through the turnstiles. Pro tip: Circulator Orange Route to get from Fleet St. to the Yard.

Lenny’s/Attman’s
1150 E Lombard St.
1019 E Lombard St.
Brisket! Fried Chicken! Knishes! Schmeared Bagels! Coddies! Pickles! Latkes! Halvah! Bread Pudding! Egg Salad! Slaw! Reubens! Salami! A restaurant doesn’t stay open 100 years without being pretty damned good, you dig?

Maria D’s
1016 Light St.
While there’s nothing particularly especial about Maria D’s, we can definitely say it fully deserves its reputation as a neighborhood mainstay in Federal Hill. Large menu, quick service, tasty food- even open late nights. They’ve got just about everything you want to please the palates of two or twenty people. We recommend going for something Mediterranean-inspired you can’t get inside the stadium: a gyro, falafel or slice of spanakopita.

Chicken Rico
55 Market Place
Currently available only in Highlandtown, we predict the currently still-sort-of-under-the-radar Chicken Rico is about to explode in popularity when they open their downtown location, possibly before the end of this baseball season. If you see downtown office workers wandering Pratt Street fighting off food comas,generous portions of char-broiled chicken, beans, rice, plantains and yucca fries in the under $10 range are sure to blame. Just like a dealer slinging the best product, once you get a taste for Peruvian chicken you’ve got to keep coming back to the source… buffalo wings and tenders just won’t cut it anymore.