Chop on the Spot: Alternatives to Cafe Hon

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Since word got out on Friday that Denise Whining trademarked the term Hon, the outcry against her corny, crummy restaurant and her slimy, anti-social business practices has been nearly universal, with some of the best writing on the topic coming from sources like The Sun’s editorial page, columnist Dan Rodricks, Gutter Magazine, the Baltimore Brew, and Smile, Hon via Baltimore or Less.

We’re not going to editorialize here about how Cafe Hon has been insulting, demeaning, and exploiting Baltimoreans for years. We’ve already spent the weekend doing that in the comment sections of blogs like this one. We’re not going to point out that the real Hons are hanging around in bars that don’t need to be branded. And we’re not even going to call for a general boycott, because (as has been pointed out) we weren’t in the habit of eating or drinking there in the first place.

Nope. What we are going to do is to take this opportunity to bring your attention to three places, three nearby places, which offer better food and drink with friendlier service at lower prices.

The Dizz bills itself as “Baltimore in a bar,” and while that slogan might sound a little hokey, they do deliver. The former Dizzy Issie’s is one of the friendliest and most comfortable bars around, and even caters to your out-of-town touristy friends via the Charm City Cakes connection. Great as it is though, we like the new Dizz Grandview even better. The menu and atmosphere up at ‘Dementia Issie’s’ are direct clones of the original, and the place is an instant favorite for happy hour drinks. There’s a TV in there, but you won’t see much of it. You’ll be too busy watching the sun go down and the lights of the entire city flicker on one by one. At the first sign of snow, you can bet we’ll be strapping on our boots and walking over to Roland Avenue to spend the entire day drinking Grand Marnier and watching a blanket of snow descend on the Land of Pleasant Living. Update: Unfortunately, the Dizz Grandview closed in May 2011. The original location is still going strong.

Anyone looking for good food and drinks in Hampden would be well advised to go around the corner from the Avenue and take a table at McCabe’s. In fact, if you were to correct the myriad criticisms of Cafe Hon, the place you’d end up with would be very much like McCabe’s, and we’d venture that anyone who’s dined or drunk there would fain go hungry than to eat beneath that damn Flamingo again. The menus may be similar, with both serving up comfort food staples like crabcakes, burgers, cole slaw, etc, but the execution is worlds apart. The sophistication of the dishes at the new McCabe’s is matched and complemented by the wine and cocktail options behind the bar, and the friendly service and finished decor allow diners to feel more like adults enjoying their meals than reluctant players in some day-glo cartoon church supper farce.

A bit further up Roland but still in easy walking distance is Alonso’s/Loco Hombre . Anchoring a quaint block of shops and restaurants on West Cold Spring, Alonso’s can sometimes give you a little of that off-the-beaten-path feeling which can be hard to come by in Baltimore Bars. With two full menus under one roof and a well-earned reputation as one of the better beer bars around, Alonso’s has something to offer everyone, and they pull crowds from all walks of life. There’s no shortage of Loyola and Notre Dame students as well as TV Hill types, Roland Springs/Roland Park locals, sports fans, beer geeks and even a few refugee Hons.

Alonso’s has even recently opened up another bar on their top floor. Already known as an excellent choice for football viewing, the upstairs “Alonsoville” bar boasts 7 TV’s, and is a great setting for Ravens fans who are well beyond their collegiate loud-and-rowdy bucket-of-Miller-Lite-and-keep-em-coming days.

Of course, these three excellent choices are only the tip of the iceberg. The truth is that you could have an excellent meal every night of the week in a different 36th street restaurant (like Grano, Frazier’s, Golden West, 13.5%, Dogwood, Holy Frijoles, or the brand new Alchemy) without deigning to set foot inside of Cafe Hon.

With options like that, who needs a boycott? It’s called the free market, Hon.

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Alonso’s/Loco Hombre is at 415 W. Cold Spring Lane in Roland Springs. The Dizz Grandview is at 3838 Roland Ave. on the 15th floor in Hampden. McCabe’s is at 3845 Falls Road, Hampden.

Who Should Pay on the Last Date?

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You know, the discussion of who should pay on a first date is a pretty old, circular and tired argument. There are tens of thousands of opinions on the question in books and magazines and all over the internet, including our own sage advice on the matter. It’s the kind of question that most people ask simply because they want their own opinions reinforced, and most answers, whether foolish or wise, fall on deaf ears anyway.

We’re here today though to answer a question which is just as important, yet seldom ever discussed; namely, who should pay on the last date.

It's not you... it's on me.

We’ve got the answer, but before we give it to you we’ve got to figure out if a last date is even necessary. It can be a tough thing to end a relationship with someone. We’re not even talking about serious relationships here either. We mean Dumping someone, with a capital D. You don’t ‘Dump’ your long term significant other, and even if you did we wouldn’t have much advice to give you.

No, we’re talking about those sorts of relationships that get past that crucial third date, and may go all the way up to boyfriend or girlfriend status, but definitely stop short of “in love”. So, 99% of most peoples’ relationships.

Sometimes things just don’t work out, and if you’re not Dumping someone for a specific reason (like cheating, an argument, etc), you may think the most gentle and forthright way to go about it is over dinner, or at least over drinks or coffee or something. The Chop subscribed to this logic for many years, but plenty of very bitter experience (on both ends) has convinced us otherwise. It’s a sort of juvenile, emo record, life-as-romantic-comedy sort of idea that backfires more often than not.

The truth is that if you’re about to Dump someone you’re not in love with, you sometimes have very little idea how they might react. They might become angry or withdrawn or resentful or confused. They might even be indifferent. At any rate, Dumping someone halfway through a dinner is a sure-fire guarantee that the rest of the meal will be excruciatingly awkward and uncomfortable. The only thing worse than getting dumped is getting dumped in public.

Another strategy that some people pursue is to schedule a date, but then meet up and say “Oh, let’s not have dinner after all. We need to talk…” This is not any better, as it’s basically the equivalent of standing someone up one last time. If you arrange a date, a date should happen. Although this tactic is slightly preferable to calling the person you’re seeing on the phone and saying “We need to talk…” and then refusing to say anything else until you see them again. For the love of God, don’t do that!

We truly believe that in most cases a face-to-face Dumping is not necessary. On the rare occasions when you feel it is an obligation, the best way is to go over to someone’s house and be matter of fact about it. Any pretense of dinner or anything else will all come to nothing in the end.

But supposing you absolutely feel you simply must meet someone out in public for a pre-scheduled Dumping, because you “owe them that much at least” or whatever, the least you can do is pay the goddamn bill. That’s right. We’re calling it right now. It’s a new rule. From now on it will be a point of etiquette carved in stone: The person doing the dumping pays the bill. It doesn’t matter if you’re gay or straight, man or woman. It doesn’t matter if you’re dumping them over beers at the Dizz, coffee at the Grind, or a Feast at 4 East. if you’re dumping, you’re paying.

It’s the least you can do. You owe them that much.

Ann D. Schuler Retrospective @ Schuler School of Fine Arts Today

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It’s easy to get a little cynical about Station North sometimes. Even with all of the success stories in that neighborhood in recent years, it can be tempting to look around at all the still-crummy warehouse lofts, the custom bike shops, fashion-obsessed co-eds and sometimes obscure and inaccessible music scene and think “Welp, the City built the hipsters a nice little playground here.”

Indeed, it’s not difficult to forget about the higher end of culture in the neighborhood. There’s The Charles Theater, of course, and the everyman, and even the Meyerhoff and the Lyric between Mount Royal and North Avenues. And then there’s Station North’s other art school.

The Schuler School of Fine Arts hosts a retrospective of its late founder's works today. 2-6 pm.

The Schuler School of Fine Arts has been a fixture in Station North since before there was a Station North. Well before. Just look at the building. You don’t grow that much ivy overnight, and for more than 50 years the school on Lafayette Avenue has been a cloister dedicated to the study, admiration and emulation of the styles and techniques of the old masters.

At today’s exhibit (which also ran yesterday) you won’t be seeing any paint splatters or lines and shapes. No half-cocked political statements. No absurdist riffs on absurdity for the sake of irony. No silent, endlessly looping video installations. Dan Deacon’s not hosting any dance parties at Schuler.

The Chop has walked past the Schuler School hundreds of times. Possibly into the thousands. We’ve always sort of thought of it as that closed up little building where a few people go to paint so many flowers and fruit bowls and reclining nudes, and sculpt busts of old guys with beards. For years, that’s been the extent of our knowledge of the place. To us, the place has taken on the sort of mystery that a Masonic lodge or an Orthodox church can carry with it, and if you’ve felt the same way, we’d encourage you not to miss your chance to take a peek inside.

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The Schuler School is located at 9 E. Lafayette Ave. in Station North. (410) 685-3568. Open today from 2-6, and year round by appointment only.

Our Holiday Egg Nog Cocktail Recipe

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We like egg nog. We’ll make no apologies for that. If you’re one of these people who does not like egg nog, look at this, because that’s all we can do for you today.

For the rest of you, we’ve come up with a damn near perfect way to mix up an egg nog cocktail that’s actually thinner than pea soup, and tastes so good you might even drink more than one of them.

This recipe is guaranteed to have you feeling extra *jolly.*

As a bonus, this mix is a great way to use leftover coffee. We have leftover coffee in out home pot nearly every day (which doesn’t end up burnt and tarry because we bought a very good coffee maker) and we hate to see it go to waste, which it usually does.

The Chop’s Egg Nog Recipe

  1. 1 part liquor
  2. 1 part egg nog
  3. 1 part cold coffee
  4. a dash of simple syrup

Pour it all over ice and shake the hell out of it. Strain it over new ice. Swear at relatives, ruin Santa myths and topple Christmas trees accordingly.

Step 1 calls for “liquor” because you have a few choices here. We’ve tried this recipe with bourbon, brandy, and dark rum to good effect. Each base liquor is dramatically different, and although the Chop prefers bourbon the year round, our favorite take on this recipe was when it was mixed with the Kraken dark spiced rum.

Do not, we repeat, for the sake of the little baby Jebus at Christmastime do not use light rum, vodka, blended whiskey, or anything else that’s not a very sweet, very brown liquor. Bourbon, brandy, and dark rum… it’s all you want for Christmas.

Shake yourself up a few of these and the only worries you’ll have this holiday are remembering which wills you’re named in, and whether she’s you second cousin or your third cousin twice removed by marriage.

Happy Holidays.

Deck The Walls: MICA Art Market

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The Chop likes looking at art. Be it in a gallery, museum, private home, or on the street, we’re always interested in the way that art can make a space speak. Perhaps our favorite setting for seeing art though is not a chic opening or an austere museum, but in the marketplace.

MICA is currently halfway through their third annual Art Market, and if you haven’t been yet, we recommend you get yourself over to Mount Royal Avenue posthaste. Events like these represent one of your best opportunities to discover quality works for exceptional values. With space for 250 vendors ranging from undergrads to established alumni, and from crafters to painters and beyond.

MICA's 3rd annual Art Market continues today and tomorrow, 10-6.

Sprawling across 3 galleries and 4 days, the 2010 Art Market is open from 10am until 6pm, ending tomorrow.

We say head down there late, and on the off chance you don’t find anything that suits your tastes, or can’t quite put your finger on that perfect piece for a friend, you can head straight up the JFX another couple exits to Atomic Books and pick up a copy of their 2011 pinup calendar which will debut tonight. Photographer Mike Lee will be on hand to give a behind-the-scenes talk on pinup style and photography, as well as take questions and presumably sign copies of the calendar.

Each calendar you buy benefits Moveable Feast, and frankly they make a much better gift for that dude you don’t know how to shop for than a record or a bottle of booze would.

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Atomic Books is located at 3620 Falls Road in Hampden.

MICA’s Art Market is at 1301 Mount Royal Avenue in Bolton Hill. Brown Center’s Leidy Atrium, Falvey Hall lobby and Rosenberg Gallery