Teen Witch Screening @ Mondo Baltimore Tonight

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If Christmas can be a month-long holiday every year, they why can’t Halloween, huh? Well, it can if you get into the Halloween spirit. There’s nothing stopping you from going on hayrides and carving up pumpkins and walking around spooky old graveyards all month long if you want to.

So consider tonight the first night of Halloween, and kick off the festivities at the Windup Space with the good people of Mondo Baltimore.

Tonight’s program kicks off at 7 pm with Chris LaMartina’s Halloween Goodie Bag. A collection of spooky shorts and scenes put together by the director of such schlock treasures as Witch’s Brew and President’s Day.

The 8 pm feature is 1989’s Teen Witch. Not to be confused with Teen Wolf, or Sabrina the Teenage Witch, Teen Witch is the kind of horrible horror comedy that Mondo Baltimore delivers month in and month out, as you can see from the clip above.

Think you have a better bad movie you’d like to see screened? Then show up in your best (read: worst) costume (zombie Gangnam Style, anyone?), and you could win a chance to choose a future feature for screening at an upcoming Mondo Baltimore.

Godspeed You! Black Emperor @ Ram’s Head Live Tonight

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We kind of have mixed feelings about Godspeed You Black Emperor here at the Baltimore Chop. They’re a band that’s always had a lot of vision and integrity and has been unique every step of the way, defying comparison to other bands in an age where you are the sum of your culture.

On the other hand we’ve been suffering reunion tour fatigue for several years now and that shows no sign of letting up any time soon (and definitely not this week, which sees yet another Dismemberment Plan show on the calendar.) At the very least, Godspeed isn’t relying on all the old ‘hits,’ having just finished a brand new album that they’re bringing along on tour but didn’t bother to tell anyone about.

So if you ponied up the $25 to buy a ticket to tonight’s sold out show with Zomes you’ll be among the first to have a chance to buy a copy of Allelujah! Don’t Bend! Ascend! which officially comes out October 16.

We did not pony up. Instead we’re going to be attending a debate watch party with a second TV tuned to the Orioles game.


We’ve been sort of questioning why we should even bother to watch the debates this year. We’re certainly not an undecided voter, and the debate formats are pretty corny and restrictive and don’t allow for much actual point-counterpoint. Everybody thinks their guy won and the cable networks pretend to care about the opinions of idiot focus groups.

But then we remember that sometimes, some golden, glorious times debates produce things like Joe the Plumber.

Four years ago nobody had heard of Joe the Plumber when John McCain threw a desperate Hail Mary in the third debate and mentioned his name like twenty odd times. They were trying to pounce upon something Barack Obama had said in a stupid and desperate way and it blew up in their faces. Apparently the Romney campaign was too busy sulking in the Fall of ’08 to take notice.

It took the national media about 2 hours to expose Joe the Plumber as a complete fraud who didn’t own a business, wasn’t about to buy a business, wasn’t named Joe and didn’t actually have a plumbing license. Where is he now? He’s running for congress on the ‘kill Mexicans’ platform, doing more out-of state fundraising than actual campaigning.

But the best part about the above clip is that Everything Barack Obama says in it came true. Four years ago we had 46 million Americans uninsured and now most of them are covered. A business of the size that Joe the Plumber worked for isn’t paying anything extra, and a business as large as say, Papa John’s is paying about $0.14 per pizza to cover its tens of thousands of workers, which most people consider to be a really good deal.

So we’re going to inevitably tune into all three debates while keeping one eye on baseball. You never know which one of Mitt’s many Zingers will end up being the next Joe the Plumber.

The Chop Buys Orioles Season Tickets

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Well, we did it. After years of daydreaming about it in a nebulous, faraway manner we’ve finally gone ahead and put down a deposit for Orioles season tickets.

Yesterday was, of course, the deadline to drop deposits and still be eligible for ALCS and World Series series tickets, and that was the impetus to get us to finally write a check and put our money where our mouth is. Now that it’s done though, we realize we should have done it a long time ago.

It’s been a given that we’re going to attend at least 13 games every season, so committing to a mini plan isn’t a giant step. In fact the only thing that’s been holding us back has been our unpredictable travel schedule. We often miss whole months of the baseball season at a time, but it wasn’t until yesterday that we realized this wasn’t really a problem.

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Honestly, we’re very used to getting screwed by the ballclub in the form of per ticket fees, will call fees, Ticketmaster fees, and a shell game of ticket availability. Once we read over the details though, we realized just how good they treat their season ticket holders:

No fees. An obvious benefit. Fees for 13 individual games can run over $60 a season for a pair of tickets.

Discounted prices. We’re also saving a few bucks per seat per game, which adds up to another sixty bucks or so.

Free exchange. The O’s offer the ability to exchange tickets up to 3 hours before game time. Even if we don’t go to any games in June and July, we can swap them out for August and September.

Replay dates. Even if we screw around and forget to exchange tickets, we can still trade them in later for a $1 fee.

Stubhub. Straight up selling tickets is incredibly easy. No dealing with shady characters on Craigslist or going to the post office to mail them- you can sell them with a click of the mouse right from your Orioles account. Pretty sweet.

Opening Day tickets. Yup yup.

Early access to the ballpark.Season ticket holders enter through a dedicated gate that opens 30 minutes early. Comes in handy for when you want to snag those sweeeet barstool seats in centerfield.

Express ticket window. Skip standing in line with the rabble and make exchanges or purchases quickly on game days.

Email tickets. Sell or give away tickets to your friends via email. Welcome to the future.

Get your name on the scoreboard for free. Three times. They’ll also send the Oriole bird up to your seat. Which we guess is neat if you have kids or something.

Behind the Scenes tours A chance to stroll through the clubhouse and pressbox for free? Don’t mind if we do.

Other free stuff. Free admission to area museums like the Babe Ruth House, Sports legends museum and more, as well as free tickets to minor league and Spring Training games.

So yeah, we’re sold on the idea of buying season tickets and already looking forward to 2013. All that’s left to do is pick our seats, pick our games, and of course bring home this year’s World Series trophy.

Why The Mechanic Theater Should Be Demolished

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Last week over on the Baltimore Brew local architect Klaus Philipsen offered a defense of the Mechanic Theater and made the case for its historic preservation.

This blog, however, remains unconvinced and today we say that that ugly, useless monstrosity should be torn down immediately. It is an architectural abortion; an eyesore and an impediment to a liveable downtown. We suspect that Mr. Philipsen has been too long hunched over drawings or enamored of picture books and hasn’t spent nearly enough time on the street in this city. What he and the few other architects and preservationists who agree with him fail to realize is this:

Regular folks do not give a flying fuck about architecture.

They especially couldn’t care less about schools of design or architecture for its own sake. Regular people like being in and around buildings that look nice and function well and that’s the extent of it. The Mechanic does neither, which is why virtually all non-architects hate it and would love to see it gone.

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Philipsen says that those people “don’t get” the historic context of Brutalist architecture. What he doesn’t get is that people understand it just fine and that we simply do not care. A handful of smarty-pants architects who spent their careers designing buildings more for their own portfolios than for their clients or tenants doesn’t interest the man on the street, and if all the Brutalist buildings in the world crumbled to dust it would be no great loss.

He goes on to argue that if the building is razed now that decision may be regretted later, but we argue the exact opposite; if the building’s owners miss this chance to tear it down now, they, and we as a city will be stuck with this awful building for decades to come.

It’s very easy and convenient for Philipsen to advocate for the theater’s preservation since he’s not the one who has to own and manage the damned thing. He would have the city dictate what the property owner can and can’t do with their building so he can… what? Give a little self-satisfied sigh every time he stops at that red light?

The substantial cost of keeping the theater is something that Philipsen does acknowledge, but he doesn’t offer any solution to the problem and doesn’t seem to mind spending Arrow Parking’s money at all. He damn sure doesn’t offer to pay for the preservation himself. The last thing this city needs to do is hand out more tax credits to big moneyed corporations, especially ones that aren’t even asking for them.

It’s not that we’re arguing against historic preservation here- it’s that this hunk of shit building is not at all historic. Compared to most other buildings in the city it’s practically brand new. Nothing of any historical importance or cultural significance ever happened there. What’s the best you can say for it? That one time Carol Channing came and sang Hello Dolly in front of a bunch of swells? Who cares???

The sooner this city is rid of this awful pile of concrete the sooner we can begin to embrace and enjoy a more livable downtown, and the sooner Klaus Philipsen can butt out of other people’s business and get back to his drawing board.

The Chop’s Guide to the 2012 Baltimore Book Festival

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We said in this space recently that Baltimore’s premiere cultural festival, Artscape, was highly overrated. The whole experience is such that some years we skip over it entirely and don’t even show up for a single day. This weekend the coin flips, and the city is gearing up for its best and most underrated festival, the Baltimore Book Festival.

Far from sitting it out, we’re probably going to make at least two visits to Mount Vernon Place this weekend, and might just sneak down there on Sunday too if we’re feeling a little restless after the final Orioles’ game of the season.

And why not? There’s certainly enough on the bill to keep us coming back. This year’s program has something for every type of book lover, and more than enough events to hold our interest. You can find out the full details on the Book Festival website or pick up the City Paper’s annual Big Books Issue for more information.

In the meantime, if you’re looking for the Chop you’re likely to find us at several of the events below. Here are our picks for this weekend’s festival. (Some of these events occur on multiple days. Check the full schedule for more details.)

Music in the Peabody Library. 6 pm Friday.

Friday…

E-Books, I-Books, and What-might-be-next Books 5 pm
Folks from JHU press get you up to speed on the present and future of digital publishing, and if and how it can coexist with print.

Pratt Library Tweetup 5 pm
You know how much we like the Twitters right? Saying stuff to those same people with your actual mouth is almost as much fun.

Rob Kasper, Baltimore Beer: A Satisfying History of Charm City Brewing 5 pm
Rob Kasper retired from journalism to be a full time beer dude. Few people in Maryland know more about suds than he does, and in the Fall especially we all need a little help navigating the thousands of Octoberfests and pumpkin ales vying for our attention.

Literary Happy Hour 5:30 pm
All that talk about beer is bound to make you thirsty. Head over to the CityLit stage and grab a cold one from the Brewer’s Art.

Smile, Hon, You’re In Baltimore 6 pm
We love Smile, Hon. You should too. It doesn’t get much more Bawlmer than that. Come see some smiles in person.

Music in the Peabody Library 6 pm
The Peabody Library is one of the most iconic and fascinating buildings in the city. The institute trains some of the world’s best musicians. Enjoying both at the same time for free is kind of a no-brainer.

Alex Ott, Dr. Cocktail 6pm
” organic chemist and master mixologist Alex Ott teaches readers how to create homeopathic beverages for every occasion.” Umm. Okay. Sounds kind of dubious but it involves drinking fancy booze so we’re on board 100%.

Bill Fletcher Jr Debunks myths about Unions. 3 pm Saturday.

Saturday…

Single Carrot Theater 1 pm
There will be a lot of theater going on this weekend, but the Carrots are always a favorite. Catch them outdoors on the 50 Fest stage.

Charles Mattocks, Eat Cheap but Well 2 pm
There’s also no shortage of food/foodie themed presentations at this year’s festival, but this one is far and away the most interesting to us. You can check your foodie cred at the door.

Bill Fletcher, Jr., “They’re Bankrupting Us!” And 20 Other Myths About Unions 3 pm
The Chop is a proud union member. Union training and union job security have given us a better life than we thought we would have and we appreciate that every day. Unfortunately that makes us part of a small minority which is more and more under attack each day. This event is our top pick for this weekend.

Nonfiction Presented by New Mercury Reading Series 4 pm
Nikita Brottman, Tim Kreider, and Michele “Wojo” Wojciechowski. Not too shabby, huh?

Poetry Presented by Smartish Pace 5:30 pm
Smartish Pace has been around for a long time now. It’s been consistently good for all that time. It’s like the Baltimore Chop of poetry magazines.

Amy Goodman and Denis Moynihan 7 pm
The Left will be very well represented again this year, but this session is perhaps the most approachable political talk. Meaning it probably won’t make you roll your eyes and hold your nose and feel guilty about being a more or less regular American.

Iconic photos from the Sun will be displayed and discussed. 1 pm Sunday.

Sunday…

JHU Press Book Sale 12-7 pm
Gotta pop in and see what’s on offer from JHU Press. There’s always some bit of fascinating local culture or interesting work of scholarship.

Steven Galloway, The Cellist of Saravejo 12 pm
Heavy, well renowned literary novels don’t come along as often as we might like. Fortunately when they do they tend to stay around for a long, long time. This was a good get for the festival. Check it out.

Literary Walking Tour Hosted by the Maryland Humanities Council 1 pm
There are several start times scheduled for this tour. Check the website for the other times.

Days Remembered: Iconic Photography of The Baltimore Sun 1 pm
Featuring the work of A. Aubrey Bodine and several others, when they say iconic they really mean it. A presentation like this is worth about a zillion tumblrgrams.

Peter Beilenson and Patrick McGuire discuss Tapping into ‘The Wire’ 2 pm
Kinda wish Peter Beilenson was the mayor.

Rory O’Connor, Friends, Followers, and the Future: How Social Media are Changing Politics, Threatening Big Brands, and Killing Traditional Media 3 pm
Fairly self explanatory. You can even check in on foursquare and live-tweet it if you want.