What Are You Sitting Around For? Let’s Go Out Drinking!

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Okay Baltimore. Have you learned your lesson yet? Have you maybe finally figured out that you deserve that hangover? That quality always outstrips quantity? That nobody wants to kiss you and you’re not Irish?

We hope so.

After spending most of yesterday at home with roommate drinking Scotch whisky, and toasting the health of the Queen of England, we’re heading out to take the town by the balls. Even though there’s fuck-all going on in town tonight, the Chop will not be deterred.

If you need me I'll be at the downtown office.

We figure its an ideal Thursday for a good old-fashioned Fells Point bar crawl. That’s right… we’re leaving the cozy confines of North Baltimore and hitting up all of our downtown favorites; Blarney Stone, Bad Decisions, Wharf Rat, Pearl’s (yeah, Pearl’s suckas!) Maybe even go by Fletcher’s, Henninger’s, and Pete’s. Its possible we’ll even do dinner at Asahi or Meli. Even though there’s no more Friends’, we’re still looking forward to playing some tracks on the jukebox.

And we’re gonna find out what you did yesterday Baltimore. Straight from the horse’s (read: bartenders’) mouth. We’re going get all the dirty details and gritty gossip. It’s gonna be juicier than Melrose Place.

Put Another Dime in the Jukebox: Part II

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Happy Saint Paddy’s Day Baltimore. We hope you’re having a ton of fun out there today with your crummy boiled food and tacky plastic shamrocks. We fully expect to wake up tomorrow to gutters overflowing with green puke.

We’ve already gone on record with our opinion that drinking holidays are strictly amateur night, and as much as we love booze (which is a lot), you won’t find us at any of these places, or these places either.

But if you’re heading out tonight, do us all a favor; when you find yourself next to that jukebox give us all a break from the God-awful Dropkick Murphy’s and the ever-insufferable U2, and pick a track that follows the Chop’s 3 rules. Here are ten excellent examples… (links go to YouTube so you can hear the songs on the list, making this post a virtual jukebox in its own right.)

We're not a big fan of the Cranberries, either.

>>> Morrissey: Suedehead Yeah. We all love the Smiths and all, but heaven knows I’m miserable listening to the same singles every weekend. Plus, this song is great for when your ex turns up at the bar hanging all over somebody new and glaring at you icily.

>>> The Breeders: Divine Hammer To a man listening to this song, everything in the bar looks like a nail. Awesome!

>>> Afghan Whigs: Gentleman If Greg Dulli were here, he’d probably lay your girlfriend in the bathroom stall and piss on your car tires. Or the Chop might do it… either way.

>>> Weezer: The Good Life See also: Why Bother? and Tired of Sex.

>>> The Gaslight Anthem: I Coulda Been a Contender If you’re not yet in love with the Gaslight Anthem, then get thee to the record store! There’s no better band for feeling like you’re Marlon Brando circa 1954. If you want to live in a movie, this is your soundtrack.

>>> The Clash: Stay Free Sharif don’t like the Casbah. London called, and they’re tired of the same old song. And Rudie did fail. Stay Free relates the entire bittersweet experience of being British in the 20th century in two short minutes. No one else (except maybe Mike Ness) could so deftly mix equal parts nostalgia and old-school cool.

>>> The White Stripes: Hotel Yorba Get over yourself, okay? You’re not too cool for the White Stripes. Never were, never will be.

>>> Sleater-Kinney: You’re No Rock N’ Roll Fun Playing this song is pretty much like throwing down a challenge to everyone in the bar to be more fun. You can’t do much better than that.

>>> The Replacements: Bastards of Young Got a chip on your shoulder? Of course you do, you’re drunk before dinner. Good job. Beats pickin’ cotton.

>>> Sonic Youth: Kool Thing If you’ve followed the Chop’s advice and rocked all of the songs on this list, you might be fractionally as bad-ass as Kim Gordon for a small moment of your finest hour.

Put Another Dime in the Jukebox, Baby

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Sigh, We see you there Baltimore… Standing there staring at the jukebox, playing with your hair while you sip your Jameson and coke, shifting your weight from hip to hip in a not-unsexy way. We noticed the way you matched your favorite Chucks to a Betsey Johnson bag and threw in a seasonal scarf just for good measure, and we like your style. So naturally we presume your taste in music is at least as good, and we’re watching to see which three songs you’ll get for your dollar.

You’re taking your time… perhaps looking for something in particular. Or maybe you’re one of those who needs to make a point by deliberately choosing the most obscure hipster record in the entire machine. That’s okay. Just as long as you don’t try to pull any *ironic* nonsense and select some crap like Motley Crue. Doctor Feelgood will not make me feel all right. And you’re probably not even gonna fuck the bartender for blow. (Probably…)

A visual approximation of the Chop at the juke.

So we wait. And finally we see you punch the buttons. We perk up our ears and what do we hear? Wait… no. Is that Animal Collective? Fleet Foxes? Holy shit, I have to suffer through Vampire Weekend? Are you a freshman at MICA or something? Journey? Fucking Journey!? Again? Seriously? Are you not tired of this shit yet? Do you think the whole bar really sees you as the tragic heroine with the heart of gold because you played Journey? Or maybe you don’t actually realize that 3 other morons are going to punch A-13 before last call, because they didn’t stop believin’ either.

So come over here Baltimore. Sit down next to the Chop, and we’re going to buy you a drink and have a talk about your musical taste and the do’s and don’ts of the jukebox.

The Chop is no stranger to jukes of all types, and we’re not afraid to stick a twenty in there and punch buttons all night long. We’ve even, on occasion, cleared out an entire bar on purpose playing songs no one wanted to hear. But we use our powers for good as well. So heed this advice the next time you come to the bar straight from the laundromat with 20 quarters in your pocket: skip your date with the Megatouch and play a couple of Chop-approved tracks instead.

There are only three simple rules to remember when you step up to the juke. In the kind of places your dad hangs out, it can be hard to find songs that meet all three, but where we see you out Baltimore, at RTV and Club Chuck and the like, these rules aren’t that hard to follow.

Three steps to a great jukebox selection:

1/ Pick a song by a popular artist, which hasn’t been ruined by being played to the point of over-saturation and fatigue.

2/ Pick a song with a good backbeat and a catching rhythm. You should be tapping your fingers and nodding your head a few bars in. By the end you should break into a full-on strut.

3/ Everyone in the room should be able to hear the song, and instantly feel like they had picked it themselves. It should make everyone feel that much cooler just for having heard it, thereby making the whole bar that much cooler.

We were going to give you the Chop’s top ten jukebox picks here, but instead we’ve decided to go all 1980’s sitcom style and make this a two part post to be continued tomorrow. Tune in then: same Chop time, same Chop channel.

Rival Schools @ Ottobar Tonight

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Rain, rain,

Go away.

The Chop’s coming out to rock today.

That’s right Baltimore… our lazy weekend of Mad-Men watching, rum drinking, new drapery installing, brunch-munching domesticity is over. Its Monday night and we’re ready to rock again! And you know it’s not just any show if its good enough to get Roommate off the couch and away from that Wii Lego Star Wars game.

Of course, they didn’t have Wii in 2001, and that’s where we’re going tonight… all the way back to 2001 to see Rival Schools at the Ottobar.

Rival Schools plays the Ottobar tonight. 9 pm.

Now, the Chop can clearly remember seeing Rival Schools for the first time at the old Ottobar on Davis Street in 2001, and having our mind blown in short order. You can see for yourself what they sounded like back then over at [Shiny Grey Monotone], where we’ve already professed our love. We still say United By Fate is right up there among the best records of the last decade.

For the unfamiliar, Rival Schools are bona fide hardcore/indie royalty. Frontman Walter Schreifels also fronted Quicksand, and he and drummer Sammy Siegler have a combined resume that includes names like Youth of Today, Judge, Gorilla Biscuits, CIV, Iceburn, Project X and more. (A lot more.)

The best thing about tonight’s show though? This is not a bunch of aging has-beens who couldn’t succeed at anything else doing a lame-ass”reunion” tour “for the fans” and choking everyone with phony nostalgia. No, this is a group of talented musicians simply picking up where their too-brief run ended in 2002. They’ve been working sporadically since ’08, and tonight’s show is one of a series of only four east coast club dates, in which you can expect to hear most of your favorites from the record, a few songs that were not released, and who knows what else… new stuff? Covers?

Only one way to find out. See you there.

How to Cancel a Date Gracefully

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Here we are again on a Sunday, Baltimore. Nowhere to go (unless you want to go to this), fuck-all to do, and a hangover to cure. We figure Sunday is a good time to wax philosohphical, at least until there’s Sunday O’s games or softball to play.

What we’re on about today is something that has unfortunately been pertinent lately, to wit: There’s only one right way to cancel a date.

On second thought, be an adult and pick up the phone.

Let’s get this on the record, Baltimore. It’s a question of basic etiquette, and applies across the board to men and women, boys and girls. Things happen, plans change, stuff comes up and we all need to take a rain check once in a while, but there is a right way and a wrong way to do it. Do it right, and it speaks well of you. Do it wrong, and you can expect the phone not to ring again. Here’s the right way to cancel a date…

This is how the Chop does it:

>>> 24 hours notice is required. Anything less than 24 hours could even be considered a stand-up. If someone’s agreed to go out with you, its safe to assume that they’re looking forward to it. Dropping plans on such short notice is not only disappointing, but adds the sudden problem of having little to do that night. Even if alternate plans are easy to come by, it really sucks to have to call up your friends and say “count me in, I just got stood up.” It’s also entirely possible that you are not the only person he/she could have asked out that night. Think about that.

>>> A phone call is the preferred communication method. There’s no getting around this one. Its just good manners. On the one hand, its still the only way to be sure that your date actually knows you’re canceling. An email, text, etc may not be read immediately, and even if a date was arranged by email, a phone call is still the only good form to cancel. On the other hand, it’s true that sometimes text/email is a lot easier and less awkward, but you know what? some things in life are hard and uncomfortable. Dating is often one of them. Grown-ups pick up the phone.

>>> You actually need to have a reason. It’s perfectly understandable that some things will rate higher on a priority list than dinner and a movie. Your dad having a heart attack or your boss making you work a Saturday night or the basement of your house suddenly flooding are all perfectly legitimate reasons to cancel a date; however, “I’m real tired from work” or “My sinuses kinda hurt” aren’t. If your excuse is lame, its a pretty good indication that you don’t actually want to go out in the first place.

>>> It’s down to you to suggest alternate plans. If you can’t get to the movies on Friday, suggest the same movie Sunday instead. Can’t do happy hour Thursday? Lunch on Saturday is appropriate. If you’re punching a hole in someone else’s calendar, it’s only right that you should then work around their calendar to re-schedule, not the other way around.

>>> Bonus points: Offer to pay. Without re-opening the age-old argument about who should pay for a date in the 21st century, it is a nice gesture to offer to get the tab next time out. It shows that you’re serious about wanting to go out again, and actually regret missing a date.

That’s it. That’s all there is to it. Following those simple steps will keep your dance card full and your phone ringing. Neglecting any of them is tantamount to saying “I’m a big flake who can’t be counted on for anything, and probably isn’t worth your time and trouble.” Which are you, Baltimore?