How to Stock a Home Bar, Part 1

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As some of you may already know, we recently furnished our dining room here at the Chophouse. We’re exceedingly pleased with it, as it turned out looking and feeling even better than we thought it would. Thanks to the invention of the 180 degree flatscreen, we can even see the television from the head of the table, which means we might actually take meals in there more than once or twice a year.

Quite honestly; comparing furniture, installing lighting, trying to match napkins to placemats, and deciding from among thousands of paint colors can become a tedious chore after a while. There’s only been one step of the process which we’ve thoroughly enjoyed every step of the way… building the bar.

Every house should have a bar. Even if that house is a tent.

Well, not exactly. We already had a very serviceable home bar set up in the kitchen. But moving it into the dining room means it’s still a good opportunity to step things up an extra notch, and a good excuse to buy (and sample) a few new bottles.

As luck would have it, we also just picked up a copy of Jason Wilson’s Boozehound; On the Trail of the Rare, the Obscure, and the Overrated in Spirits and after the first 60 pages or so, we’re finding it pretty good. It’s conversational in tone, and Wilson is someone we’d definitely have a drink with. Still, he manages to fall into the same traps that virtually all drink and cocktail writers fall into.

People who adopt drinking as a hobby are almost exclusively of two types: Nerds and Frat Boys. Frat Boys (of any age) are pretty much self explanatory. Cocktail Nerds are a little more nuanced.

There are several things that nerds of all stripes will have in common, and one of them is that if you ask a nerd a simple question, you will get a very complicated answer. Ask a Star Wars nerd on which planet the rebels hideout was, and you’re likely to get an answer which includes the prequels, a full explanation of the rebels guerrilla structure, and the particulars of the Lucasfilm soundstage in the 1970’s.

So it is with Cocktail Nerds. Even something as simple as “What goes into a Manhattan?” will earn you a lecture on the merits of rye whiskey vs. bourbon, the type and ratios of vermouth, a lesson on the prohibition era, and a full discourse on bitters. Plus a snarky remark about cherries. On top.

This is the exact pitfall that catches Wilson in his book. Open up any mixing guide or bartender’s bible and you’ve got to sort through scores of pages of ridiculous recipes featuring arcane ingredients, endangered brands and preposterous combinations. Even modern guides and books talk about things like egg whites, grenadine, and Lillet with a straight face. It’s 2010. When’s the last time you saw anyone drinking a cocktail with grenadine?

By the same token, these books, as well as virtually every website out there will give you just plain bad advice on how to stock your bar. Most of them will just assume that you’re going to have some kind of huge party (and that you have them all the time) and that you’re going to be wowing your guests with your extensive knowledge and skill on the history and practice of bartending. Give us a break! Even fairly social people are usually drinking alone when they’re at home. When company does come over, they usually come just a few people at a time. It’s rare to meet an adult who hosts more than 2 medium-to-large scale parties at home each year. One or none is the norm.

This is why the Chop knows people with cabinets full of wedding booze that gather dust years after the wedding; because they followed bad advice on bar stocking when they threw the biggest party of their lives.What should be a source of pleasure and a point of pride becomes little more than a dusty, clangy, expensive eyesore.

So tomorrow the Chop is going to explain exactly how to build an impressive home bar to suit your own tastes, without all the nerdistry. And when we say impressive, we mean it. By the time you’re done you’ll have 30 bottles. There will be no sour apple pucker, no ancient bottle of sherry to impress Grandma, and most importantly: no Red Bull.

The best part? Building a full bar is cheaper and easier than you think. Read the second part of this post here.

The Five Worst Halloween Costumes of 2010

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Year in and year out, we’re always surprised that people don’t just take the easy way out and dress for Halloween in a giant Summer’s Eve box, because there’s no shortage of douchebags running around Fells Point, Federal Hill, etc.

When Batman came out, you all had to be Batman. When Batman came out again, you all had to be the Joker. And frankly, few people can tell the difference between this vampire and that vampire and whatever zombie-come-lately the nerds have a nerd boner for this year.

This was played out 3 years ago. Don't keep making the same mistake.

But Some costumes cross the line from bad to worse; and then there are these. If you wear one of the following costumes out in public this year, you pretty much deserve to be socially shunned and never get laid again. You also deserve the dozens of photo tags that are bound to pop up in social media years from now, like when you’re looking for a job or being googled by your girlfriend’s parents. Have fun living these down.

5. Ben Roethlisberger The Chop is no fan of Ben Roethlisberger, that’s for sure. But you know what? Donning a black and yellow number 7 is in especially bad taste the way it’s done in Baltimore. It wasn’t funny when you showed up in a Steelers’ uniform with a bloody mangled knee, and it’s not going to be funny when you show up this year as Roethlisberger with a mug shot, or worse, with a giant erection. Don’t do it.

4. Mad Men The good folks over at Something Awful hit the nail on the head when they said “Even if you’re a handsome, suave dude it won’t work, because you don’t live in 1962. Your context sucks. Don Draper does not request extra corn salsa for his Chipotle burrito.” The rules don’t change because it’s Halloween. Just because you pawed through Salvation Army for an ugly, ill-fitting polyester suit doesn’t mean you look like Draper. It means you look like a moron.

3. The Jersey Shore There’s a reason the show is only 22 minutes long. Running around all night doing guido schtick in a bad Jersey accent is going to get old very quickly. There’s no subtle irony to the Jersey Shore costume, it’s just a douchebag dressing up like another douchebag. Besides, do you think you can do a better job of making fun of Jersey than South Park? You can’t.

2. Terrorist This one is now in perpetually poor taste. Whatever you do, do not don Arab dress, and wear a beard and bomb vest. It’s not going to impress anyone, and it’s going to piss a lot of people off. You may well even end up in a fight or in central booking, and you probably deserve it.

1. Chilean Miners Put away the hard hat, take off the sunglasses, and don’t you dare wave around a Chilean flag. Don’t ever forget that those workers were victims, and were being exploited by mine owners. This is one of the very rare instances where the whole world watches and cares about something important (i.e. not the Olympics or World Cup) at the same time, and your lame ass Halloween costume is only going to cheapen that.

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Top Five Cheap, Quick and Easy Halloween Costumes for Adults

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We’re going to let you in on a little secret of etiquette, Baltimore. When an invitation says something is optional, that thing is damn well mandatory. A good host or hostess will be reluctant to push their guests around, even on paper. There are firm conventions in place though, and if you’re planning to attend a party or event that is ‘black tie optional’ and ‘gifts optional’, you had better show up in a tux with a nicely wrapped gift. You’ll look like a boorish clod if you don’t.

The same is true of ‘costume optional’ Halloween parties, whether they are a private affair or being held at a bar or some sort of festival. Halloween is now less than 2 weeks away, and if you’re still lacking a costume or are dropped a last minute invitation to a ‘costume optional’ party, you’ve got your work cut out for you.

Nothing says Halloween like raging alcoholic clowns.

Fortunately, the Chop is here to help. We’re happy to give you five solid costume ideas which can be assembled with a minimum of effort and expense, and which can easily be shed when the party ends, or if your plans include something that does not require a costume.

5. Priest The priest outfit is really nothing but black on black with a little white cardboard collar. You probably own most of it already. It can be good fun to do the priest schtick too: blessing people, taking confessions from ‘naughty schoolgirl’ costumers, and breaking out your crucifix or holy water to ward off anyone who may be dressed as a devil. Plus, people like the irony of seeing a priest get totally faced on hard liquor.

4. Fisherman Think fishsticks. This guy has the right idea, and he’s really selling it with the beard. If you forgo the beard, you can accessorize with a little green netting or manila rope. Yellow foul weather gear is available cheaply at places like Lowe’s and Home Depot, and of course, you can wear normal clothes underneath.

3. A Mexican Is this racist? Yeah. Probably. A little. But if you dressed in lederhosen or a kilt, no one would say boo, so why not. Besides, you can claim the moral high ground by claiming to be the (Colombian) coffee man Juan Valdez, or just by yelling “Do I look illegal?!?!?” directly into the face of anyone who questions you. A sombrero, a poncho, and a fake mustache and you’re pretty much good to go.

2. The Sheet It’s old hat on TV and in the movies, but you actually see very few people rocking the sheet-ghost costume. It’s the easiest thing in the world and good for a laugh every time. A sheet will also double as a toga with very little modification, so it’s basically 2 costumes in one. Why not?

1. Clown Okay, so a clown may not really be that easy. Makeup is kind of a commitment. Wig, shoes, gags; a lot goes into being a proper clown. We believe that the return is worth it though. Don’t underestimate the scariness of a clown outfit. More people than you think are totally freaked out by clowns. Besides, clowns are never so funny and awesome as when they’re out of context. Drinking heavily, making lewd remarks, and threatening violence are what takes the ordinary clown costume above and beyond all others. If we see you out on Halloween and you’re a clown, we’re totally going to buy you a drink.

Stay tuned for tomorrow’s post, in which we’ll be discussing the dumbest costume trend ideas of 2010. Don’t say you weren’t warned.

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The Veracruz Cocktail Recipe

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A lot of you may be scratching your heads on this one. You’re probably thinking to yourself ‘October is a great time for spiced cider drinks and rich, strong cocktails like Sidecars and White Russians. Why the hell is this blog giving me a recipe for a beach bar type cocktail? And you’re not wrong. But remember, we just returned from the desert. And it was hot in the desert. Even in the last week of September, it was hot enough to put us in mind of tequila.

A Veracruz vacation. Now available in a glass.

When you’re sitting out in a hot, dry desert during Ramadan, there’s nothing more natural than daydreaming about booze, which we did frequently, and which is exactly how this recipe came into our head. We had to wait until our return to gather the necessary ingredients, and it took a full 2 weeks of mixing and sipping to get this one down. The end result was certainly worth the wait.

The Veracruz

2 parts tequila

1 part pear juice

1 slice jalapeno

1 drop bitters

Cut a strip of jalapeno as thick as your taste will allow. Muddle it lightly in a few drops of pear juice, just enough to open up the flavor. Transfer the muddled pepper to a cocktail shaker full of ice and add the tequila, juice, and bitters. Stir thoroughly and strain into a cocktail glass.

*If a garnish is desired, a slice of fresh pear will work better than a slice of jalapeno. The drink should taste like a spicy fruit, and not a fruity vegetable.

*We’ve found that for one drink, a slice of pepper about the size of a nickel is just right. Be sure to remove the seedpod entirely. Having little pepper seeds floating around in your cocktail is less than appealing. Also, be careful not to slice the jalapeno too thin, lest tiny pieces of it end up in your glass.

*Pear juice is delicious, but it can be hard to find. We used Gerber brand juice from the baby food aisle, which is 100% juice. Pear nectar from the Goya aisle will not work in this recipe.

*Go easy on the bitters. One good drop really is quite enough.

*Finally, something like Jose Cuervo or Hornitos will work just fine for this. You always want to stay away from generic tequila, but for this drink, there’s no need to reach for the expensive stuff. Enjoy.

Warhol: The Last Decade @ the BMA Today

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Could it be true? Could it possibly, actually have happened? Have we finally found a place to go on Sundays where no one is wearing purple, drinking Miller Lite and yelling ‘Caw Caw’?

Yes, it’s true. While the rest of Baltimore is watching the Ravens and Patriots (and no doubt continuing to curse the Steelers), we’re going to head over to the Baltimore Museum of Art to see the new exhibit on that most famous of Yinzers, Andy Warhol.

Andy Warhol and Edie Sedgewick

The BMA’s website has a pretty good write up on the exhibition itself, so we’ll spare you the details, and say only that it opens to the general public today, running through January 9. While general museum admission is free, this traveling exhibit will run you $15 unless you’re a member, and at a mere $50 a year for an individual membership it’s a pretty tempting offer.

So while the rest of the city is hoping that Ray Lewis can successfully decapitate Tom Brady, we’ll be walking through Wyman Park, watching the leaves change, and probably, for personal reasons having to do with Warhol and the BMA, feeling very melancholy and nostalgic about love affairs and the Fall. We might even wear a tie.

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The BMA is at 10 Art Museum Drive in Charles Village.

Wednesday through Friday, 10:00 am to 5:00 pm

Saturday and Sunday, 11:00 am to 6:00 pm

Closed Mondays and Tuesdays

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