Soccer is a lot like gin, swimming, and vegan recipes. It’s something we really like in theory, but frankly never pay any attention to at all.

Oh sure… we might happen to cook a vegan meal and drink a Negroni once in a great while, or even get into a pool above our knees; but in general we’re not much concerned with these things.

The same is true of soccer. We understand why people like it, and even have a few soccer jerseys in our closet. They make great souvenirs when you go overseas. Although we generally think grown men wearing jerseys have serious problems that extend beyond the realm of fashion, in this country we believe that a (ahem) football jersey or anything with a Premier League logo on it can be pulled off to good effect if done carefully.

Morrissey makes soccer shorts look sex as fuck. Don't try this at home.

As we know, the World Cup Begins on Friday, and runs a month until July 11. However, the onslaught of douchey bandwagoners officially begins today.

For the next 6 weeks or so, it is going to be impossible for the non-fan to wear anything even remotely soccer related without some half-drunk know-it-all dickhead haranguing you with stupid questions, repeating bullshit he read on the internet, and making you both look stupid.

If you’re an actual, true blue football fan, then by all means carry on. Enjoy the tournament and godspeed.

If, like us, you only like soccer in theory, then do as we do and wear nothing even remotely soccer related until at least a week after the World Cup ends.