Good news everyone! In a thousand years most of you pathetic jerkbags will be ancient wormfood. And do you know what happens to ancient wormfood? (Hint: it involves the Slurm Queen’s cloaca.)

But that’s not really news, is it? You already knew you were boned. The good news is that scientists from Johns Hopkins have finally perfected head-in-jar technology. But the procedure is very complicated and expensive and will only be offered to Baltimore’s crème de la crème.

The superiority of our blog and social standing made the Baltimore Chop an obvious choice, so while the rest of you hoi polloi are being blasted into space or floated down to the sewer mutants or whatever we’ll do with dead bodies in a thousand years, we’ll be enjoying a nice cold Slurm with Baltimore’s high society.

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Futurama Head-in-a-Jar Creator is free in the Apple App Store.