The Best Halloween Candy Ever

Another Halloween is nearly upon us Baltimore. Will you be ready when it arrives? The Chop has a couple of things lined up for the weekend, but honestly, this Halloween-falling-at-either-end-of-the-weekend business is starting to wear on us. Slowly and sneakily Halloween is becoming almost a week-long festival more than a one-day kids’ holiday.

Whereas last year we gave you the quickest and easiest and also the absolute worst Halloween costume ideas, this year we turn our attention to candy. As someone who’s got more and more peers with trick-or-treat aged kids every year, we fully realize that our proper place on Halloween is on the front porch handing out candy. That doesn’t mean that the drunks in Fell’s and the snotty little kids get to have all the fun. We live next to a rich neighborhood, and so see few trick or treaters, which means that one of our favorite facets of Halloween is leftover candy.

A bowl of great candy all to yourself doesn’t just happen though. you’ve got to think it out in advance, and not just hit up the leftovers at the 24 hour Rite Aid late Sunday night. Here’s our top five choices for Halloween candy, for the kids and for yourself.

vintage halloween pinup picture

A visual approximation of the Chop reaching for a Halloween treat.

5. Whoppers At first blush, Whoppers seem like a shitty choice, because you only get half a handful at most in the little fun size thing. We much prefer the half-gallon fatty milk carton size. If you’re gonna keep candy around the house though, Whoppers serve our purposes nicely. You can make milkshakes with them! You can even make nice boozy milkshakes with them and Bailey’s. Or if you don’t have a blender you can just have Bailey’s and malty balls for dinner. Yay adulthood.

4. Zagnut. Zagnut isn’t the best candy bar in the world. It’s all coconut and molasses and junk. Not even close to a Snickers or a Milky Way. The thing about Zagnut though is that when you offer it to a kid, they get this look on their face. Just for an instant, they can’t hide it. They look at you and think What the fuck is this??? It’s a Zagnut, kid. If you don’t want it give it back. Priceless.

3. Heath Bars Heath Bars are pretty great all by themselves, but even better with ice cream. Double chocolate, French vanilla, coffee, caramel, pretty much whatever you’ve got. They also go well with a variety of booze. The aforementioned Bailey’s, port wine and cognac are all excellent choices.

2. Almond Joy As far as candy bars go, Almond Joy is pretty sexy. It’s exotic. Think about it: that coconut probably came from Hawaii or South America or someplace. The almonds might be from Italy. Who knows? Plus it’s dark chocolate. None of that milk chocolate junk. Eating fruit and nuts you can almost convince yourself that it’s a square meal and not junkfood. Especially if you eat them with a bottle of cabernet.

1. Candy Corn Ok. It ain’t that great. You might even think it’s gross. But while you’re out at the store picking up all this other stuff, grab a sack of corn for the kids. Keep the good stuff for yourself.